Updated: Oct 11, 2022
College students across the county are in the throes of a mental health crisis. And those numbers keep increasing every year. Students at Stanford have an annual celebration each year called the "Stanford, I Screwed Up", specifically to help students acknowledge the fact that it's ok to fail.
How are we raising a generation of students who somehow believe that anything less than "effortless perfection" is a failure? How have they not learned that struggling is a part of the normal routine of everyday life? Well, let's find out. What follows is a transcript of an interview that Josefine did for the podcast Mhourom's of Teens and Tweens with Sheryl Gold. In the interview, Josefine reveals what she's seen over the past nine years of working with students one-on-one, and shares advice on how to help students thrive not only in college but beyond. This transcript is on the longer side, so if you prefer to listen to her, head over to Moms of Tweens and Teens Podcast
Table of Contents
What are some of the patterns that parents do with their kids that backfire? Mentoring, not monitoring Why is mentorship important? Why do we refer to our services as mentoring vs tutoring How does Strive to Learn help students with learning differences
Hey, friend, welcome to the show today. And I'm so glad that you're here. And before we launch into our awesome episode today, I want to ensure that you have signed up for our Free three-day workshop that kicks off next Tuesday, September 27th. And the topic is escaping entitlement and raising responsible, respectful, and kind teens in an entitled generation.
And moms have been begging me to talk about this topic, and I'm listening and it's gonna be awesome. And if you have a tweener teen and you're finding yourself worrying about their future or you're dealing with disrespect or a lack of motivation and don't know how to support them, or you're burned out and need some encouragement, support.
I encourage you to come and promise you will leave feeling so encouraged. I will share my personal story, experience, insights, and tools to empower your kids and build that strong, healthy relationship that we all desire. To check it out go to momsoftweensandteens.com/entitled and get signed up.
And I hope to see you there. So let's go to the show. And my special guest is Josefine Borrmann, the founder of Strive to Learn, a tutoring and college prep service that provides students with 1 to 1 support from experts who foster accountability and teach them the skills they need to prepare for life outside of high school.
And in our interview, we talk about so many things, but Josefine really shines a light on what our tweens and teens need from us when they're preparing to leave the nest and the importance of mentoring versus monitoring, so our kids will learn the skills they need and how to do that so they learn the skills they need while they're still in our home, and we talk about so much more.
So let's dive in. Well, Josefine, welcome to the Moms of Tweens and Teens podcast. I'm so happy to have you on because we're going to be talking all about college, our kids applying to colleges, and the application process, and *sigh* parents are talking about it already and being stressed out.
So a lot is going on for both rising juniors and students who just graduated and rising seniors. So everyone's kind of busy in this in the summer before the next year, right?
I know it's a really it can be a very stressful time. Well, I want to jump in. And first have you share a little bit of your story because you do have a story and what led you to doing what you're doing and working with students and being a professor and all the different things that you're up to.
Yeah, absolutely. So. So basically I founded a company called Strive to Learn about nine years ago. And actually, yeah, nine years was like wait, "is a ten?" No, it's been nine years. And our goal is to really help any student find joy and confidence in learning. So we started as a test prep company and tutoring company and then I realized that I really want to give all-around support to local families.
So seven years ago we also started offering college counseling and now we work with the Newport Beach Public Library. We work with a high school in Colorado and the college counseling department of a high school here in California. So we've expanded our knowledge base and the team quite a bit, which is exciting. But when I first started, it was just me.
I was a tutor putting myself through college with tutoring just because that was something I was able to do and relatively decent at. And so it started with just me, right? And I knew what I want to do with this thing, you know, not knowing anything about business or anything like that. I just really wanted to create a space in which students who have fears about their future or anxieties about their schoolwork can work with a mentor who really gets them.
And that comes a lot from my personal story. So I'm from Germany, born and raised, and I came to the U.S. for my undergraduate studies. I had to teach myself how to navigate this complicated university application system. It's really, really different in Germany. I had to do things like taking like statistics, which scared the hell out of me, and it made me realize that I really wanted to help guide others in their pathways with all of this knowledge that I kind of gained and accumulated over my first few years here in the U.S. So that took me on a couple of different paths. I became a math tutor, even though math had always been really hard for me growing up. I also taught several anthropology and sociology courses at Chapman University, and then I also built a team of college counselors at Strive to Learn.
So through all of this, I realized that what I feel like has the most profound impact on teens potential for growth is really that individualized, reflective mentorships, mentorship. And that's why we're here today. Right. How can we mentor teens, right? It's not just other people who are mentoring, it's parents who are mentoring as well. So I'm really excited to be here and talk about, you know, what can we do with mentorship when it comes to supporting our teens and our tweens. It's a hard time in life because we've all been tweens and teens, right? Some of us tend to forget. Others don't. And I think for me, the biggest thing that I remember from being both a kid and into teenager-hood, was I always felt like I'm a real human. I am, you know, a full-fledged human.
So why are people talking to me like I'm half of one or like I don't know what I'm saying?
Wow. And you remember what that felt like?
Yeah, absolutely. Because I was like, why are you talking to me like I'm stupid? Or didn't think of X, Y and Z, you know, just because I made me don't have your life experience. Like, I can still think for myself. So I was, I always felt a bit outraged about that. And the people who had the most profound effect on me, I would say, as I grew up, were the people who spoke to me like I'm 100% human, not just 50%.
You know, and it's just so important to feel seen and heard. And I'm not saying that's people who, you know, said, yes, amen to everything I said, but it's people who called me out on things that I said who asked me to be responsible for the things that I said or did and that, you know, has a really profound effect because you can take that responsibility because you are also being seen fully as a full human.
And that's how I talk to my students because they are responsible for themselves, no one else is. They are. And so, you know, let's get down to business and talk about what's going on here instead of trying to skirt around issues.
Wow. I love that we have to pause, like you said, so many good things. How to me? Well, first of all, I noticed how you use the word mentor. And I say that a lot of the parents that I work with that were no longer like trying to teach, although that's, you know, a big part of what you do.
But it was very interesting to me that you use the word mentor, because when our kids are teenagers and when they become tweens, there's this big transition that begins to happen. And we talk at. Rather than what you were saying when you were when you were a teenager, you remember that the people that you said that you felt really heard by. They were they were I'm imagining asking you questions. And they wanted to hear from what you thought about things rather than talking to you like you didn't know or, you know, you were not a young adult.
So I think that that that's really interesting for you to share that and how that, I'm sure, is impacting what you're doing with kids today and how you talk to them.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I recently went to a conference from the IECA, the Independent Educational Consultant Association, and one of their keynote speakers. I'm completely blanking on her name right now, but she said it's about mentoring, not monitoring. Monitoring is a lot easier. And again, these are not my words. I'm stealing them. Monitoring is a lot easier, right?
Saying yes or no to things and, you know, checking the location of your kid, seeing that they do their homework, things like that, mentoring and sitting down and talking about the why, the how, asking those questions and really having them become a part of the decisions that influence their lives. It's harder. It takes more time, but it's a lot more rewarding.
And it's really what gets teens to young adulthood.
Yes. Yes. Say that again. What did she say? She said mentoring versus monitoring.
Yeah. Mentoring. Not monitoring.
Which gets which leads into what we're going to talk about is the whole college application process. And I mean, we'll talk about other things, but that's what I see. And what I've experienced as a parent myself and working with parents is that it is so easy to try and manage and monitor and control things and especially when your kid is not seeming to be motivated.
So what are some of those things that you see working with teenagers that we should not do that actually backfires?
I think this may be a little controversial, and too many rules might not be the best thing. But again, also not too much freedom.
So I think, again, having the teen have a choice in the decision that's being made, can make a big impact. My parents were very strict when I grew up, but they also gave me a lot of freedom, which sounds really weird and it's hard for me to try to explain that they you know, I had the the most chore of all my friends.
I had the the smallest allowance, the earliest curfew. I definitely had those things. But I also, you know, both of my parents worked full time. I would do whatever I wanted after school. So between one and five, I would just have free range of wherever I wanted to go and whatever I wanted to do. This was pre-smartphones in your pocket.
And, you know, I think I really grew through that, through these open spaces where I could be bored and where I had to figure myself out. Yes. They locked the TV remote away so that I wouldn't, you know, just binge-watch all day, which in retrospect, I'm very grateful for. But that made me have to get creative and be a bit bored and figure stuff out.
So I hung out with friends a lot. You know, I read, I did my homework, whatever, did some stuff that probably isn't the best idea but learned from it. And I think if we shelter our kids too much from making mistakes, from doing, let's just say dumb stuff, right, then they don't have the opportunity to commit those mistakes and realize on their own, that was a really dumb thing to do.
I don't think I'm going to do that anymore. Right.
So if they can't have that experience, then I think that is really problematic because we see a lot that when kids get to college, they it's a lot it's a lot of freedom, it's a lot of independence. All of a sudden. It's a lot of drinking. It's a lot of figuring out your own schedule.
So, you know, not knowing when to do your homework or not because you're not being as handheld by your professors as you are by your teachers and high school. You know how to do your laundry, when to eat food, how to cook your meals. It's just very simple things where putting them all together can become very overwhelming for students.
And a lot of students report very high levels of stress and anxiety and depression in college. I think it's about 75% of college students. Now, at some point in their college career report, clinical levels of stress and anxiety. So that is- I'm throwing that out there. That's not set in stone. It's something I read in multiple sources. Sorry, I'm a, I'm a research methods geek.
So just throwing out a percentage like that makes me feel like, Oh, man, I need to go check my sources now. But I do believe it's somewhere around there and how do we avoid that? Right? How do we avoid these mental health problems in college? It's that we have it can't be all or nothing. It can't be this scheduled out life that you live only to get to college.
That's the whole reason you're doing all these sports. You're doing the volunteering and this internship that you really don't want to do, but you feel like you have to. You're taking all the APIs, you're getting all the good grades, you're doing test prep, right? I mean, looking at these team schedules, I'm just, wow, I'm floored. Some of my students, sleep 4 hours a day and that is just so detrimental to the development of your brain, to your emotional growth, and anything else.
And then they arrive in college and they're just so burnt out and suddenly have all this freedom and maybe they're homesick, etc., and it can be, you know, quite, quite the disaster sometimes. So I think it's of utmost important to not shelter our kids too much while, yes. Having firm rules that, you know, everyone knows about, they're mutually agreed upon.
Hey, if you violate this rule, this is what happens. But also giving that independence is not over, sheltering and letting go bit by bit. Maybe even saying, okay, you know, every year I'm going to go let go of something else. So looking at my kid is in sixth grade. By 12th grade, I want my child to know how to do X, Y and Z, to be confident in X, Y and Z situation.
Right now, they're here in six years. I want them to be there. What can I let go of as a parent every year? You know, a responsibility, any type of monitoring, whatever it might be. What can I give back to my kid in that year so that my kid can learn that skill, that confidence, that independence bit by bit, and I'm here to support them.
And that way maybe we can get there.
Letting kids fail
Yeah. I love how you connect and I'm, I teach this so often to two moms, primarily moms and parents, about how to let go and think about it from the lens of what skills do I want my kid to develop? And we are a culture of parents and I think I could say the safely, even though we don't want to admit it. And I've been one where we don't want our kids to make mistakes, you know, we're protecting them and we want we love them and we want them to do well.
But with that, we're not allowing for them to learn from mistakes. And so we have to remember how do we learn skills? Most of the stuff I've learned is often from the mistakes I've made.
The big, you know, the big lesson.
Saying, oh, yeah, that's who you are, right? It says growth opportunities, basically. I think maybe that's a good way to kind of start tapping into that is rephrasing the word mistake and to growth opportunity. I know it sounds really cheesy, but really thinking about it, a mistake is never a failure and I think a lot of kids see failures. Right? I see it. I mean, the easiest example would be a math tutoring student. Right. I failed this quiz, so I suck at math, which means I'm not smart. That's just like, no, no, none of these things are true. First of all, you made some mistakes on squares, which means you have an opportunity to grow. So let's talk about how you can take this opportunity and grow and move forward from this, because it is not a failing or dead end ever.
I think people who have made giant mistakes that they interpret as failures in their lives and now look back on how they grew and how that shaped who they are now. I think most of them will agree that, hey, you know what, I would never be who I am now and would never have learned what I did learn by doing that.
And so that's why I really like that rephrasing of, Hey, this is an opportunity to grow. Let's figure out how we can grow here.
Yes, it's the growth mindset with being a Cal California gal. You, I'm sure, are familiar with Carol Dweck.
I was going to say shout out to Carol Dweck, of course, of course.
But for from our listeners, it's such a good book and that's exactly what you're saying. And I love thinking of it that way because mistakes sound - what she calls - so fixed mindset. Like, I don't want to make mistakes, so I'm not going to put myself out there. I'm not going to go out for that, or maybe I'm not even going to try very hard because if I try hard and I don't do well, then I'm going to feel stupid versus this is a growth opportunity and a learning opportunity. And what did you learn from this rather than, "how did you get this grade in that paper?"
And what did you and I think one of the easiest ways to wrap your mind around the growth mindset without it feeling all cheesy and weird because it can it can do that, right?
It can sound like, oh, everything is rainbows and I'm going to grow from the worst mistake of my life. Well, you probably will, but it's hard to think that in that moment.
So one of the phrases that she uses is, you know, I don't know that yet or I'm not there yet, but so I think that's you know, you can use that as a parent. Oh, my child doesn't know that yet. I get parents sometimes who are like my kid is know anything and like I don't even understand, he's 17. He can't even do his own laundry.
I'm like, well, let's add a yet to that and then let's figure out why and now have you ever taught him? And then like, well, I showed him once, like, okay, so then what happened when he was supposed to do it? And they were like "well, it just kept piling up, so I just did it for him."
Like, Okay, so he hasn't done it. He's only watched you do it. You tried to teach him. So kudos to you for that. But you know, he doesn't know it yet because he hasn't done it yet. And we can only learn if we do it. I mean, I definitely cannot learn how to do laundry by never doing laundry, by only watching other people. You have to do it a few times yourself, right?
So let that pile of stinky socks and workout whatever, you know, especially if they're doing a team sport. I know it can get crazy and musty, let it grow until they have no other choice than to do their own laundry, because then they will learn how to do their own laundry.
And I love that you said when you think back about everything you've learned, it usually came from something that wasn't super easy, right? Something that you had a speedbump and you had to get over the speedbump, right? And I think that's so important for parents like, hey, how did I learn thins lands let me think back how I learned this because I just think that adoption notice so my kid should know this, but how did I actually get to knowing this?
Because all of that is learned. Even culture is learned. Right. And so how did you learn that? It's you have to dig a little bit deep on that.
But if you can connect with that in yourself, if you can reflect on it, it'll get a lot easier to understand where your teen is coming from and to meet them where they are and to meet them as a human, not just as a kid.
Mentoring, not Monitoring
And we're learning, right? We're learning all the time. That's what I say to moms is we expect our kids to know these things, but they're developing. They're not adults. They're learning. This is such a process and developing new habits and things that they have never done before, an increased responsibility and having to manage so many things that are going on in their lives.
So let's talk a little bit about we talked about what not to do. So not too many rules, not micromanaging, not, you know, mentoring rather than monitoring. What are a few of the things that are helpful that we can do? I mean, allowing them to have growth opportunities is what what else have you found helpful to the kids that you work with.
Being...making sure they know you're there to support them. So making sure they know that it's okay to make a mistake so that they're not scared out of their wits to tell you, but instead can come to you and say, "Hey, Mom," I don't know if I'm allowed to cuss on this. "So I F*** up, Is that okay?"
No. I mean, you know, that's that's the one time that word is warranted. I did X, Y and Z and I may have just, you know, really made a made a big mistake. So making sure they know they can come to you and talk about that, I think that's really important, that they're not too scared to come and seek help from you when they really do need to.
Because, like you said, they are learning. Right. And we're learning to we might call ourselves adults, but I know plenty of adults who are still waiting to feel like adults after 20 years of officially being adults, everyone is always continuing to learn and grow. And, you know, I'm 35 and in ten years I'm going to be 45 and I'm not going to be the same person I am now.
Right. A lot of me will be the same, but a lot will also have grown and learned more. Right? So we're always in that way. Very similar to teens were also always growing.
Why is mentorship important?
But yeah, I guess supporting them, making sure that you're there. And then another thing that I have found really helpful because I am that person, is finding someone else who can mentor your kid in a way that you simply can't because you're the parent.
And it's not anything you're doing. It's just that kids don't want to hear it from their parents sometimes. I, as their tutor or as their college counselor, I can say things to kids and be heard by them, that their parents can also say, but not be heard. "Oh, Mom, you don't even know how that how it is out there."
Like, you know, you don't even know like you went to college like 20 years ago and, you know, and then they're like, Oh, let me go ask Josefine. And then Josefine says the same thing. They're like, Oh, my mom kind of mentioned that. And I'm like, Yeah, you know, maybe maybe you can talk about that or maybe you can learn something from her.
So I do acknowledge that, you know, you can't always be your kid's mentor. You're also their parent and you have to find a balance there. And sometimes it's just it's not sometimes I think it's extremely, extremely valuable. And I think it's a must for every single teen to have at least one mentor who is neither a teacher nor a parent who is someone outside of that.
That could be a professional mentor. It could be someone like a college counselor, a tutor, someone with whom they can let their guard down and discuss some of those fears that they may not be really showing to anyone else in their world. Because I have some conversations with students where we dig deep and I am not a therapist, and if it ever goes there, I tell them I'm not a therapist and I really recommend that you get a therapist.
But if it's just you know, "regular fears" , regular in quotation marks here, very real fears that they just didn't know what everyone else is experiencing. So they didn't know if it was okay to talk about it. So having that and also having really positive role models who have that mentorship impact, where it might not even be conversations, it might just be observing them just being around someone where the student looks up to.
And can you know, learn a lot through observation of like, wow, this person does that. And it resulted in that, you know, there's a lot going on in our minds, right? So why should we think that's not the case for teens? What I hated the most was when people always told me, you're not thinking, you're not using your brain.
And I was like, but I was. And I still made this choice. Like, What does that say about me? Why are you pretending or saying that I am not using my brain even though I was you know, I'm I'm a person. I was thinking and I just, you know, made a choice that I kind of knew was dumb, but I wanted to try it out.
I'm right. However, we all done that as teens, so I think that's really, really important to know. There's a lot going on emotionally and cognitively in any teen's mind and body and not to assume, Hey, there's not much there. They're not thinking about much. They are. Even when you can't see it, they really are.
What should parents ask their kids?
What do you think? As you think back, what would you have rather heard than you're not thinking?
I think a question. So not what were you thinking? Not in that to answer, but hey, so like why? You know, let's get to the bottom of this. Like, why did you end up doing what you did? Like, it's okay. It's okay if you don't have a good reason. I'm just, you know, I just want to just only have a conversation about it.
Something like that.
Yeah. Being it, being curious about it.
And not dismissing the what, whatever answer you get. So I think that's hard. When, then, when then you muster up the courage as a teen to answer that question, even though it feels very uncomfortable to answer that. And then your answer is dismissed. You think that that's really hard for teens?
That's very hard. Or judged by what you're not thinking, very judgmental. And it's easy, I know, to say that to your kid when you're scared as a parent, you know, you feel scared and you're like, Oh, my gosh, they could have really hurt themselves or something bad. And it's like, What were you thinking? But then they're not going to come to you and they're not going to talk to you because they're going to be they're going to be worried that they're going to be judged.
I think sharing your own human moments is really important, too, because you can say, you know, out of fear, what are you thinking? And then you could say, okay, you know, I was I was scared. That's why I said that. Yes.
Let's talk about this and then maybe sharing something stupid you did and showing that you were not always the saint that you might proclaim to be or not and sharing you know, a learning opportunity you had when you were their age. You know, if they were caught drunk when they really shouldn't have been and they're under age and they're doing something stupid with alcohol as an example, because I believe, like any parent at some point might deal with this, you think of yourself.
I mean, maybe you don't drink or maybe you haven't. But I think a lot of adults have done something similar in their teens. I sure did. And them being open and honest about that, hey, like, let me tell you about a time that I did something dumb and just kind of peeling back that mess of parents or they're just separate because they're adults and they're different.
And someday I will be an adult because it makes you think as a teen that there's this switch that's going to flip. And usually they think, Oh, that's not going to happen. When I go to college, like it's going to flip over and suddenly I will be an adult and have adult thoughts and feelings. I'll be super in control of myself and I will have everything figured out.
And that's not how it works for anyone. So showing them that human side of yourself where you were between having nothing figured out and having most things figured out what are some things that happened in between there that helped you figure things out? I think that can really help teens become kinder to themselves as well, because feeling like a failure is really, really tough and it affects the rest of your future.
It can affect your academics, it can affect your love life, can affect your career. And so many things, right? So being human and sharing some of your own faults and maybe weird experiences with your kids, I think can relate not all the time, but, you know, especially in situations where you were scared for their safety or when you really need to make a point just to show them, hey, that door is open because I do get it.
You think I don't get it? But let me show you the story that shows you. I do get it because I used to be you, and now I'm here to help you out.
I like how you said also, you know, I was feeling scared. And if we do freak out as parents, I have to say this to the moms that are like, oh.I've said that. It's like we can always go back and say, You know what? I thought about it and I was just feeling scared, you know, I was scared and you know, I've also done those things. And because I really what I have experienced as a mom is some of the things that my kids have done that I did that were really dumb.
Those are some of the things I freaked out the most about.
Not not wanting to do some of the same dumb things. I did because I knew that.
They have impact.
And and you.
Already know because you've done it, but they don't know because they haven't.
And isn't it interesting that you mentioned about how then that impacts how they see themselves and it and it impacted how I saw myself. That's why I freaked out when they were doing it. So it's like they don't need us to pile on.
Because they're already chances are, even though they might not admit it, they're already feeling badly about it.
And it's important to remember so you deal with kids.
That well our all.
Across the board about mentoring you say well first we asked you why do you say mentoring rather than tutoring?
Why do you say mentoring rather than tutoring?
So I mean I also say tutoring, but I would say we do tutoring, we do test prep and we do college counseling. What are those three have in common? They're very different as far as the expertize that you need. I have people on my team who have master's degree in physics and I mean, I know gravity because my pen falls and that's about it, right?
I have no knowledge of a physics otherwise, yet I have a really strong background in languages and I teach German, English and Spanish and someone else might not have that. And then my counselor, William, is really great at helping students de-stress in the college application process. Right. And he has, you know, the degrees and the experience leading up to that.
So it's all very different as far as like how we got to where we are now. Everyone on my team like, why are we doing what we're doing? We're doing it because we love the one on one mentorship with students. And that's why I say mentoring or coaching could be another good word. We use that as well. But the idea that, hey, you know, some people think tutoring is like, I'm just going to tell you how to do this.
This here's how you do your homework. Not now we're done. And that's not how we see tutoring at all. And I think most tutoring companies do well now. Small and independent tutors, I would say, don't see it that way, or at least I would hope so. This is my hope for our profession. But for us, we really say we want to put ourselves out of a job.
Like I want to help this student gain the confidence and knowledge to help him or herself. And I can't do that by telling them how to do their homework right. What I can do is figure out what's holding them back from being able to do their homework on their own. Really zoom in on those concepts. Or maybe it's study skills, maybe it's not even the concepts, right?
Or maybe it's how to apply the concepts. Maybe it's a confidence issue, help clear that up and then they can go home and do their homework. So what have I done? I've really mentored that student, whether it's on their pathway towards college, whether it's on their path towards a better math score, whether it's helping them mitigate their test anxiety around test prep.
Right. I'm really trying to instill in them that confidence and knowledge that they can help themselves, that growth mindset. So it's about much more than like the label of the session. Every single session has mentorship in it, and that's how we train our tutors extensively before they start with students.
I love that because it sounds like you do a lot of listening and empowering. The word that was coming to me is, It sounds like you're empowering them. You're just not like making them do their homework and they can come and they can talk about what's going on and you hear them and then you're guiding them and mentoring them in that process so that they feel like they can do it.
Yes, because otherwise we're just fostering dependency and that's not going to help anyone, especially not the student. And like part of our mission is we are here, we embrace one on one mentorship to really, really to promote the well-being of the student. That's who we're here. But we're not here for parents. We're not here for ourselves. We're here for the student.
Right. What will serve the student that's really of the utmost importance and at the core of everything we do. And if that is taking half the session to talk about something that happened in school, just because you need to get it out, because otherwise you can't focus. Even if you study for five more hours, then that might be the right thing during that session, honestly, because those are the things that hold us back from performing well, right?
Yeah. So that's why I say mentoring, I guess.
Yeah, I love it. I kind of think of it like unclogging drain.
You're all clogged up and you know, and you just need to like unclog that drain so you can move forward and like that's a big part of it. Do you find that a lot of your students are dying, like procrastinate because they're anxious?
Yes. Or because they think they can't do it? I feel like confidence. I've seen this happen so many times, the lack of confidence in themselves, that is what creates procrastination.
Yeah. Negative self-talk.
Yes, yes. All three of my kids, I had tutors. Tutors, but they were mentors. Two of my kids have learning differences. It was so helpful. I just have to tell the moms out there that are listening because it got me out of the middle and my husband out of the middle where there were so many power struggles. And we're fighting all the time about getting the homework turned in.
And they did their homework. But then there's zeros, you know, and you could see everything and power slides where you said you did this and and yet you never handed it in. And getting that that mentor, that tutor to come in and work with my kids, it was it was such a relief because then it wasn't us trying to drive the process, but it was somebody else that was coming in and influencing them and helping to build that confidence.
I think we occupy a unique niche in a student's life that parents can't, teachers can't. So that's why I always say, you know, there's the students, they're the teachers, they're the parents, and then there's us and we're and then there's friends and we are none of those things. We sometimes look like a friend. We sometimes look a teacher, we sometimes look like a parent, but really were none of those things.
And we're really the people who help parents nag worst because someone else can take over those questions.
And the student was probably going to be less defensive if someone else is asking those questions. And that enables you as a parent to really be there more for your kid and to focus on having those positive experience and set experiences and, you know, having the nice family dinner and talking about how your day went or going to their games, etc., instead of also filling the day with 3 hours of trying to help with homework.
But being the person you know and then also juggling, what do I even know how to do this? Am I even telling my my kid what's the best way? Especially if you have children with learning differences or ADHD? We help so many students who have ADHD, who who have any other types of learning differences. And it's really having someone who understands executive functioning and how the students executive functioning skills, where they are strong, where they are maybe a little challenged, and how to really navigate that in a way that slowly builds confidence and skills rather than creating dependency.
It's really nice to have a professional who does that all day long do that.
Yeah, I because two of my, my two I'm talking about have ADHD. Yeah. And that was huge for them to learn how to study, to learn how to manage your time. And I frankly was not good at helping them with that and it made all the difference when they went to college or how to study. They had that confidence.
They knew they could do it. Huge difference.
How mentorship can help students with learning differences
And you're learning about it while they are learning about it, it's hard for you to be able to guide them along the right path. If you're the parent because you haven't seen 100 students with similar issues and how every single student, even though they may have the same diagnosis, is completely different from the next. So you haven't had the opportunity to try out all of these different techniques and tactics, right?
And so I think it's really hard. You're learning about it. At the same time, you're also going through something just like your child is as they're figuring out Why is my brain different and how does it work? And you're asking yourself the same thing Why is my child's brain different and how does it work? Right? And so having someone come in and navigate that and share their knowledge and try out different things in a creative way, really someone who really gets your kid right?
Everyone is different. I always say it's all about fit. So you, you know, one tutor may be a great tutor for your your friend's kid, but not for your kid. Right. You have to try out people. You have to make sure it's a good fit because that motivation, that clicking, that vibing with one another between the student and the tutor, that is what's going to set the stage for success if you want your your child to actually get something, get some form of mentorship out of it because you're not going to look up to someone who you just don't look up to.
You're not going to listen to them. Right. And I think that especially with learning differences, you have to get really creative because you asked me about the do's and don'ts for parents. Right. Here's a big don't. If your kid has a learning difference, don't tell them they can't do something. Do tell them you can do this. It might be a little bit different from how your friend does it, but you can totally do it.
So let's tackle this. Let's figure out how you can do this. I had a student who had dyslexia, very severe dyslexia, and I did test prep with her. And, you know, I do recommend reading if you want to get better at the reading section. And it does help my kids don't believe me, but you know, it really helps.
So we talked about that and I asked her, you know, how do you feel about reading? And she had come up I had nothing to do with this. She and her parents had come up with this amazing tactic of figuring out how to expose herself more to reading and how to actually find joy in it. Even though it was the hardest thing in her life, everything jumbled all the time and flipped all the time.
So, you know, when your words flare up and, you know, read and sort of read, you say bear because there's there's a lot of similarities there. Right. And it visually floats around on the page. It's incredible. What how how different it can be for someone with dyslexia. And so she would listen to the audiobook while reading the book, and that's how she actually found joy in reading.
And it also really helped her with a lot more because she couldn't sound anything out. So a lot more sight recognition and things like that. So I love that and that was such a creative strategy and this was someone I tutored at the beginning of my tutoring, or at least at the beginning of my test prep journey. I'd been a tutor for years, but not for test prep yet, and I just loved hearing her story and seeing how creative she was because, you know, again, it's the growth mindset.
But I, I have parents who come in and say she has really severe ADHD, so he's not going to be able to do X, Y and Z and he's not going to be able to go to a college that X, Y and Z. And I like to challenge that because I think, you know, parents know their kids really well.
I have a lot to learn about the student from what the parent can tell me, but I also think that parents have a lot of fears for their kids and sometimes might think their kid can't do something because they want to shield their kid from falling.
Yes, yes, yes.
And so it's great to invite someone into your family bubble who might challenge that a little bit because it can it can really provide an incredible growth opportunity for their future. And I've had kids who had ADHD, who did things their parents thought they would never do. And it was amazing that.
I love that because they can I've witnessed it with my own kids and I'm just amazed and they can. And it's you're exactly right because we're afraid we don't want our kids to get hurt. We don't want them to. But how she rose to that challenge and what a different way of looking at it, Joy, in taking on this challenge.
So just love.
That. Yeah, there's, you know, from A to B in so many ways in school were put in a box and we think we can only go from A to B one way. But when you have a kid with ADHD or dyslexia or anything else going on or even even a neurotypical child, they're just remember, there are so many ways to get from A to B and it may not be your way and it may not be someone else's way, but it's their way.
And you can be there to support them, to help them find what is their way to get there. And it might be a longer route, it might be a shortcut, but they can get there, whatever A and B are, whether that's, you know, different points in life, whether that's knowledge that you're gaining or study have it. But I you know, I really think there's so much hope and excitement and like, hey, let's tackle this because we can get there and let's figure out how to get there because this is new for me, too.
Let's let's go figure that out. And making that an opportunity instead of a barrier can really help support your child in their confidence. And they're growing now.
So encouraging. I mean, just as you're saying that, I'm like, I wish I would have met with you when I was at school.
But what about me so much? You know, because there was so many things I thought, I can't do this because I you know, I have learning differences. But our brains amazing because it might just not look the same like that like and fit in that box. Yeah, but they have so many other strengths. And so it really sounds like you help them pull that out.
Yeah. That's, that's the goal for anything we do as well.
So how do you know if your your kid is ready for college, not ready for college?
Want to ask you just, you know, two more questions. So how do you know if your your kid is ready for college, not ready for college? This is one that's coming up a lot in my community.
That's a great question. I think talking to your kid helps. Here's what not to do. Since we have a do's and don'ts structure here, don't ask your kid about college every day. I like the idea of making most of the week of college free college talk, free zone and then maybe block out time, say hey, Saturday is in the afternoon.
We get to talk about college that way it's not as overwhelming. They're being asked as soon as they turn into juniors, they're constantly being asked what college you're going to apply to. What what are you going to major in? They're 16. Did you know what you were going to do for the rest of your life when you were 16?
I mean, I didn't I'm still not mature, but yeah. So figuring it out. But it's hard. It's tough there. You know, people start wearing sweatshirts and places they want to go. A lot of students don't even know what sweatshirt to put on. They feel bad about that and they shouldn't. It's a time of exploration. Give them that time and so explore with them.
Go visit colleges starting junior year, just casually visit some campuses, you know, do some college tours just to give them an idea of what's out there and how they engage with that, what kind of questions they ask, what kind of conversations you have with them after that, that'll start giving you a hint as far as, is my kid ready for college now?
And because it's also like you're not just going to automatically be ready for college again, there's no switch that we can flip. So providing your child with the opportunity to feel bit by bit, readier and readier for college, I think is the key. So kind of what we talked about in the beginning of this episode, even with chores and little like responsibilities and you know, little by little relinquishing control and giving over more independence to them.
That's part of being college ready, right? High grades don't make you automatically college ready. But there is the the big fear of, hey, if my kid has all that, they have a job. You know, they're obviously independent. They're running their own lives, but their grades just suck. They're they barely graduated high school. They're barely getting there. And, you know, and, you know, again, I don't think grades suck or don't.
I'm just saying that this might be a thought the parent has. And then I think it's about finding the right fit. If your kid wants to go to college, finding a college that is has a lot of balance, that has great mentorship, it might not be a giant college. It might be more of a mid to small sized college being flexible in like geographic location, being open college names you've never heard of.
I mean, there are 3000 colleges in the U.S. How could you ever have heard of all of them? Right. There are so many amazing colleges. So just kind of throwing the prestige factor out the window and opening your mind to, hey, what are the opportunities for my child? I have a lot of parents who come to me and say, my kid has a 2.5 GPA, so they're not going to college, or at least not to a four year.
And the kid says, Man, I really want to go to a four year. I feel ready. Like I want that experience and I feel like I would be a lot more motivated because the classes seem more interesting and like they're there. There's certain things that I would like to try major in, right? Or some students are still undecided, but still would would really like to face this next step in their lives, supporting them and finding the right college, I think is incredibly important.
And all of the parents who have come to us, not just me, but also my colleagues, the whole team who start our concert, we have a free consultation and who started by saying, hey, my kid's probably not going to college, but I just wanted to chat with you and maybe get help with just, you know, applying to community college or something like that.
And we say, well, you know, do you not want to go to a four year basis because that's fine, that's great. Let's talk about some alternative pathways, alternative things to do after high school. But if it turns out the student would really like to go, then we say let us work together and find the perfect fit college. Because that college is out there.
All of our students who came to us and that like that are now at four year colleges successfully, and they're at great institutions that are offering them exactly what they need. And that have that mentorship to allow them to explore careers, to explore themselves. Some of them might have had ADHD or learning difference, and they have excellent accommodations in their college now that are really helping them figure out, okay, so this is how I can navigate this.
And you are then building your independence brick by brick as you are away. The other thing that you can do is start talking about a gap year. I cannot talk enough about gap years. Anyone who's heard me talk about them before, I apologize. I love them. As you all know, I think that kids in American culture are thrown into college from high school way too quickly.
There's no break. And as I was saying before, high school is a lot of like go, go, go, it's a rat race for a lot of kids. A lot of kids just have packed schedules. And so we see a lot of burnout happening either during college or post-college, because post college you want to keep going because you're like, yes, I'm in the zone.
Like I have these good contacts now I want to start a career, right? So when are you going to take a break? And a break is not really what a gap year is. It's an opportunity for a different type of growth and an outside of the classroom experience and learning. So more experiential learning. So part of your brain gets a break, right?
That academic. I have to sit in a classroom and listen to lectures all day portion. But the other part is getting a huge education. So it's not really a break. You if you feel like your child is not college ready, if you feel like they're not ready yet to like go to a four year or a two year, whatever it might be, and like sit in class and take it seriously and be motivated.
I would highly, highly recommend talking about a gap year with your child. There's so many opportunities out there. There's even a college admissions counselors that do only gap year counseling. My God, I'm blanking on another name. She's in Vermont and she's virtual and she's amazing. Anyway, you can always email me if you want to find out more. I'm happy to refer her.
And so I took a gap year and I kind of took to gap experiences because I went to Spain when I was 16, in 11th grade, and I lived there for half a year with a host family and I attended there. That's how I became fluent in Spanish after having it for five years in class, after which I knew I would not be getting good grades for a long time because I had stopped studying vocabulary for like three years.
That's not how you learn a language. So I went there and then after I graduated high school and mind you, in Germany High School, you're usually about 19 when you graduate. So it's an extra year compared to the U.S. That's when I took a gap year and I worked for about four or five months to save up money.
And then I went to Argentina and interned at a theater, also completely in Spanish and lived in kind of like a dorm with other people who were there to take language classes or internships from all around the world. So it was pretty fun. We had a really good time. I got to travel through South America and then after that I came to the U.S. to go to college.
I love sharing that with my students because they feel like, Oh my God, I have to hurry, I have to rush. I don't really know what I want to do yet, and I don't really know where I want to go yet, but I just I'm just going to pick something because I need to keep moving forward. And I think we need to get away from that, too, because a lot of employers and a lot of universities love seeing this on any type of job or college application that you have had a gap experience where you have been able to learn something about a new culture, learn something about yourself, learn a new skill, whatever it might be. They know those they're going to do really well in college. So students who have had a gap year, they tend to have higher GPAs and graduate within four years at a higher rate than students who did not have a gap year. So it can be incredibly beneficial because it allows your kid to mature gain that independence, gain that confidence in themselves, learn more about the world and their place within it, and then they can take those lessons confidently to college.
Wow. Wow. That is so good to hear, Mom's, isn't it? Yeah, we're in such a hurry and a rush. And I just love that. And I love how you, during this time, have just reframed things and looking at things with a different mindset a lot about just growth and opportunity and experiences and rather than just this, you know, pressure, pressure cooker, that it has to look a certain way or or we're falling behind or we're failing in some way.
So, gosh, it's been a breath of fresh air. Thank you, Josefine, for coming on and talking to us and tell everybody where to find you.
Strivetolearn.com is our website. So strive as in striving for more. My email is Josefine at Strive to learn dot com Josefine with an s not a page or you could email info at strive to learn dot com you'll you'll get either me or one of my amazing team and we have a podcast as well called Mindful Admissions and we call it that because it is a lot about college admissions, but it is a lot about how to be mindful along that path, whether college is the end goal for you or an alternative option.
We have a whole episode I've on gap years on there. For example, in case I sparked your interest, we have an episode actually on how parents can best support their kids with my colleague Melinda Blackman and myself. So I really recommend that you check those out if you really want to kind of gain more insights on the specifics of the college application process and how to help along each step of the way, because we all know it's a journey and yeah, so strive to learn.
We only have one on one sessions, but we also do partner with schools. So if you think that anything that I had to say would be something great to share either just with your kid or a friend, you know, we have a free consultation where we just get to know you and tell you a bit about what we do to see if we would be a good fit for each other.
And if you think that your kids school would need presentations or anything like that, then we do that as well. So just reach out to us at most. Strive to learn at home.
Awesome. I love how you work with people all over the world too. And the United States. That's awesome.
Yeah, that's the great thing about being virtual and we've been virtual for the whole nine years that we have existed. We were also brick and mortar. We had both going on, so we were not new to zoom when the pandemic happened, which made that transition a lot easier. So it's all about engaging really personally with every single student and family.
So we try to make our Zoom sessions as fun and interactive and hands on as possible so our students who've had Zoom classes say, Wow, this is really different than a Zoom class, and I like it because I can relax them all. So yeah, keep an open mind and reach out to ask wherever you are.
Okay. And I will share the links as well. So thank you so much, Josefine, for coming on the show.
Thank you. It's been a pleasure. I had a really great time. Thank you so much.
Well, thank you, friend, for joining me. And I hope that I get to connect with you next Tuesday when our three day free workshop kicks off at 12 noon Central. And how it goes is we meet Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday at 12 noon for an hour each day. And we have a question and answer at the end, and you'll get the reply when you sign up and I have conversation starters, I come empowering scripts and there's a workbook and you're going to get our worksheet that I've made up for you.
The difference between support and over functioning and what our kids really need from us and how we can support them. And we're going to talk about what we can let go of and get clear on setting limits and all kinds of just awesome stuff. I'm super excited, but more than anything else, it's just such a sweet time to get to connect with other moms and caregivers that are in the trenches right alongside of you and to know you're not alone.
And the thing that moms always tell me is, Oh my gosh, I just left feeling so encouraged and I feel lighter and I can do this. So it's going to be a great time. So go to moms of tweens and teens, start time, slash and tired old and you can get signed up. And if you can't remember that, you can just go to moms so tweens and teens dot com and there's a little dropdown down that will come on to sign up so hope to see you there and have a great week and I will see you back here next time time.